Fear not – just do it

Cristian Mihai blogged about fear lately. I have said this before and I will say it again: I love this man’s blog. He has very insightful thoughts and his way of expressing himself is just brilliant. I mean, he is not trying to show off with words, but it is made very obvious that he can use them in any way he wants. And I have said this before, too: I absolutely adore people who know how to use their words.

 

Okay, well, that was the inevitable praise -part. Now to the fear!

I guess you should see what Cristian wrote. Just click.

I agree with him. Pretty much, indeed. I have shared this same quote in my Twitter-account, Facebook-account and now here. I just feel it’s so true. It’s so true, it’s confusing.

 

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”

 

I could add couple quotes more. How about these:

“Your life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

“If you keep doing things as you always have been doing, you keep getting what you always have been getting.”

 

I’m on a mission, myself. I’m evolving to a better person. I wish I am at least. I have been pondering quotes like these over and over again. They have been enlightening to me, they have said out loud what I have been quietly thinking.

There’s something magical in quotes, though. You can hear them like hundred of times and never really hear them. Untill the day you feel them in your own life. In one moment you suddenly stop and realize that ‘wait a minute, the quote was all about this!’

When it becomes real in your own reality, only then it matters. If the thought in them is just couple of words put together, it means nothing.

 

Fear, then. We are all but humans. We all fear new things, for they could be potentially dangerous for us. We all fear old things that have hurt us before. We all fear that the fear will keep us chained, prevents us doing the things we want most.

I fear, at least. I’m pretty damn scared about lots of things. Making decisions, for example. If the one I make is the wrong one. If there’s no going back. If I will lose it all and end up being alone and miserable.

The life is about taking chances. We have given every new day, and the new day is full of new opporturnities. Full of moments in where we could decide to behave differently. Where we could start chasing the dream we feel is the most important.

You know. I thought that this is an impossible equation: me + London + Gavin DeGraw. You know what. It wasn’t. Suddenly I found myself sitting in the concert of Gavin DeGraw in London. That was a dream that felt way to far for me. But it wasn’t. And that should be encouraging!

And it all began with taking the first step. The little one. It’s not assumed that we should jump into the scary thing head over heels (we can do that, too, if we’re brave enough, there’s nothing wrong in that one, either), but we can start with a tiny step.
So small it feels no step at all.
But the thing that changes when we do this is our own attitude. Our willingness to change makes the change possible.

Our willingness to face the fear makes the fear slip away.

It has been told that in a nightmare you should stop running and turn around and face the hidious monster that’s coming after you – and you will survive. The unknown is the most scary part in fear. The if-part. And like Cristian wrote: the thing he can’t make it absolutely sure that he will succeed if moving in US. I know this feeling pretty well, myself. I have always been one of a securer. I only do things when I’m 101 % sure I won’t fail.

But you know what? The life isn’t secure. The life is about chances. You will never get anywhere if you want to make sure your feet don’t get cold.

It feels harsh sometimes to realize that there’s nothing to be taken as granted in life. Nothing. But on the other hand it should give us hope, for every moment is a new chance. This moment.

The thing you need to do is the first step.

 

One more quote:

“You need to be brave only the first 20 seconds. The rest of it takes care of itself.”

 

The first step. The first 20 seconds. Be the one. You can do it.

I mean it. You can.

True or false: everything will change

There are some people who mean well and want to encourage others when saying ‘it’ll be allright’, ‘it’s okay’, ‘everything will change’, ‘just don’t give up, you’ll get there eventually’. ‘you never know how close you are, so don’t give up’. And sort of things, you know what I’m talking about, right? ‘Just follow your heart. Everything’s gonna be just fine.’

These people has been annoying me before, too, but nowadays I’ve been thinking it through more thoroughly. I have written some bitter poems about these guys. Saying that what if not? How can they know? Why do they think they know it? What makes them so all-powerful that they can say that everything’s gonna be just fine. What if it isn’t going to be ‘just fine’? What gives them the right to lie?

Life isn’t a fairytale, you know. There are some obligations, there is unfairness, unhappy endings, disappointmens, broken dreams, broken hearts, divorces, abuse, violence, people dying, losing all hope, committing suicide. And everything is going to be just fine?

How come I have never seen that one coming?

Does that mean that we should keep up living no matter what? That we should ‘learn’ from our painful experiences and become better human beings? That we don’t feel that pain anymore no matter what?

Yes, I’m a bit bitter, I know. I was just telling E, my 4-year-old, that a brave person isn’t the one who isn’t afraid, but the one who is afraid and does the scary thing no matter what. I guess there’s something similar in this one. Like, the pain is something, umm. I can’t grab it. I don’t know. That it should be felt, and … then what? I don’t know. Everything’s gonna change, yea right. Like it has done before, right? Well, okay, some things have changed, I give you that much, but still, I’m still me, I’m still unhappy with myself, I’m still bitter about the things I can’t change.

How come, I just ask, how come my dreams are never the ones that can come true? Is there something they are not telling me, these ‘everythingsgonnabeallrigt’ers? Everything’s gonna be allright, if… right? The if. If I do my part, I guess.

I hate myself talking like this. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be the old me again. The one who still believed in dreams. I guess I have learned in a hard way that there is no such thing as dreams come true in this world.

Yeah. And what really gets me, is that it’s always me that should change. If I’m feeling sad or lonely, I should change and be happy and social – problem solved. If I’m feeling discouraged or afraid, I should change and just be brave – problem solved. Yeah. If I’m blue, I just shouldn’t be. Or better yet: I should accept it. Ha. I should be happy and everything’s gonna be allright. See, I just got it. That’s the if-part.

If I’m happy, everything’s gonna be allright. If I’m not, it’s not.

But you know. Sometimes I feel encouraged when hearing these things. I remember seeing a picture about a guy who was trying to escape from a prison by digging a tunnel for himself. The first picture showed him digging extremely close to the last wall and then he would be out and free. In the second one he had given up and returned to his prison feeling devastated. The point is, you never know how close you are to a breakthrough if you give up. I agree. I know that’s true, and that should be encouraging to just anybody.

Just one more try. Just one more. One.

But still, on the other hand. There is a certain point of things when you can’t keep going. The point when you are only hurting yourself if you don’t know how to give up. You can’t go fighting windmills, you know. And this is the thing I’m actually thinking today. How do discern the helpless and pointless fight from a real opporturnity? When it is worth keep going no matter what?

Follow your heart? That’s the next tip you’re going to give me, I guess. Follow my heart. Yeah. My heart is a fool, you know. Would you trust your life in a hands of a fool?

But is it true then? That everything will change? If we just keep going?

I guess it is.

After all I have just said, I still think it is true. Well, okay, maybe not ‘everything’, but ‘something’ at least. I mean, if we are willing and ready to take some action, something will happen. I’m not saying that the change will always be a good change, but anyways, change it is. Someone told me once that if we just keep on doing things as we have used to, we will keep getting what we have been getting so far. And if we want to change that we need to do things differently. Try something else, something new, something better.

I guess that’s the point. If we are not happy with the situations we’re in, we should do something differently – and something will change. If not anything else, then we will change. By learning, by experience, by new thoughts, the fresh air beneath our wings. The wings that may or may not carry us. You’ll never know if you don’t try it, right?

But geez, people, stop telling me lies. ‘Everything’s gonna be allright’. You can’t know it. Just can’t. But you know what? I’m quite happy with the 50 %, still. That’s more hope I have been giving myself lately.

I have my windmills, my mountains to move. I guess I’ll just keep going for awhile. Untill I crash and burn. What else could I do? Sit back and later have regrets of not even giving a try? Well, maybe it is better to try and crash and burn than just look up to the stars and feel disencouraged that they are so far.

And maybe that is the way when something will change.

What gives you the strength to keep going?

Miracles happen

I have a pendant that says: “Miracles happen”.

I thought that when I was in Gavin DeGraw’s concert in London today. I sat there when the music played and the beat went on and suddenly I thought about miracles in life. I was thinking that ‘this is a miracle, kind of’.

And it was.

I mean. Miracles do happen, but they don’t appear up and say: “Hey, I’m your miracle, be amazed!” The real miracles are hidden and quiet ones.

The ones you only realize when looking back.

Little things that made you do big decisions.

Fast fading moments that made you feel alive, breathe deeper.

The people who made you feel good just being yourself.

They do happen. We just don’t pay attention.

I was lucky enough today to spot one of my miracles. I wouldn’t have been in London today without Gavin DeGraw. I’m grateful for that. Truly.

Don’t let any of your miracles pass you by. Let’s keep our eyes open, shall we?

A birthday letter to Ian Somerhalder

Dear Ian,

wishing you the very best birthday and may all your dreams come true. I know you have such important dreams, some of them even similar to mine.

I wanted to write to you, as a gift. Ha. Like it would be any gift to anybody but me. Anyways, just sharing some of my thoughts, imaginary with you. And you know. There’s always hope. A chance. That is the reason you’re doing your great job with the kids and the planet, right? You just can’t give up hope.

None of us can. That would lead us to a disaster.

I have been easily giving up my dreams, hopes, visions, you know, for all of my life. I like to think that I might have learned a thing or two from you. I’d like to thank you for them, for the sake of this great day, obviously.

First of all, you have taught me that I can do something. I mean, me. Seriously, me. I have felt like there’s no impact on the big picture anyways if I do or if I don’t. What’s the point? If I pick one trash from the ground, what would that matter? Would the planet be saved?

No, I think not. The trash is not important. Picking it up won’t make any difference, but in my mind. The point is, if everyone, I mean each and every one of us picked that one trash from the ground, that would mean something. And, if I don’t do it, who will? In this way, every small deed matters.

It’s hard to remember sometimes. I would so much like to see great things happen immediately. I have no patience what so ever. But as I have heard from someone pretty wise: you have to start local to get global.

Every stream begins with a drop, a tiny drop of water. A single drop. Every ocean is made of huge amounts of single drops.

Every small deed counts. That you have taught me.

You have encouraged me to do things. No just plan them in my head and then drop them off – for my dreams tend to be pretty huge. Ha. Seemingly impossible.

Thanks to you I have started blogging (ha, I almost wrote bogging), not with great success though, and lately I haven’t had any time for it either. But anyways. It’s something I used to look up to, dream about. Now doing it.

Thanks to you I have joined in a local nature conserving association called ‘the friends of nature’.

Thanks to you I have started donating money regularly to preserving the Baltic Sea. The only difficulty in starting to donate was that I couldn’t choose. There are so, so, so many things I would like to get my hands on. So many things that need to be better, decisions made better, more wisely. So many things that are just waiting that someone would do something.

But, I told myself, the most important thing I can do, is start doing.

Not get all tangled up when trying to discern what the most important thing is: the climate change, preserving oceans, rainforests, animal abuse, extinction of species…? They are all so important, but one can do only so much. I bet you get that feeling sometimes.

The most important thing I’m grateful to you must be that you have somehow waken me up. In many ways. Hard to tell exactly.

One thing made me think yesterday when I was youtubing you (ha! my hobby, kind of), was when you was talking about young ones, that we somehow wait them to grow up and after that they can get involved. That they can do awful lot already, when young. The thought somehow, you know, umm, woke me, again. I agree completely with you.

Our hope lies in the next generation, true. If we can teach them, show them that we care, show them to do things when they are young, they probably continue doing it when adults, perhaps even teaching it to their own kids.

I have this great appreciation to those who follow their hearts. Who can inspire others, who keep going no matter what. Who can be so damn hot and still admit that they love kitties, uhh! (That one was kind of out of the line, sorry, umm, but true though, hahah.) For those who take responsibility, who use their influence in good and be an example to many.

When I first fell for you, it was your looks. Or Damon’s, actually. Then I learned to know more about your thoughts, values, your life and your passion. That makes you really especial to me. To so many of us.

With these words and thoughts I would like to wish you all the best in your life. Keep going. Never give up hope. You know, I won’t.

With lots of love,

R

Flying with time

Oh, man, time does fly.

I mean, I just logged in here and there it was. WordPress was wishing me happy anniversary. ‘Thank you for flying with us’ it said. I could say it another way around: Thank you for making me. Fly, I mean. That is something I really dream about. Flying.

Not in real, though. I’m talking about flying on a imaginary level. In my head. With new thoughts, new words, new experiences. With new feelings. I dream about the feeling that I’m taking off, flying high above the clouds. Actually doing something, achieving my dream, following my heart, making progress, getting somewhere. That’s what I’m calling flying.

This year – my god, how fast it has passed by! – has been… umm. Just a regular year, common, with no great surprises, but I have also flied a bit. Started a blog, I have (and now I’m typing like Yoda, gosh). Blogging was a thing for me, one part from the ‘doing something’-section.

Writing has always been a way of clearing my thoughts to me, making thoughts more real. I have written these texts just sitting down with my computer and having this feeling about the thing I would like to write about. I don’t usually plan very hard what I’m going to put in to words – and I guess it shows… But then again, this is me. This is how I do things. And if I would like to follow my heart, I shouldn’t listen anyone’s advices how to get there, right? As shouldn’t you either.

Well, what has this year teached to me? Let’s see. I have learned that

• I’m not very good at planning web pages. I don’t have time (or brain) enough  to make my blog as beautiful I would like it to be.
• The hardest part in writing is actually doing the job (keep on typing when something else in mind).
• Following a dream can be really hard and annoying, but it can lift you up when you just don’t give up.
• Having two kids is much easier than I feared and much harder than I hoped.
• Some people actually do like my scribblings (in my writing class at least – or they told me so anyways).
• Twittering is fun and addictive.
• I don’t know how to live without my smart phone anymore.
• The thing who I am is changeable, shifting anew with every people I meet, a word I say, a thought I think. And I’m about to get to know myself.

I think that the greatest goal in our lives could be just that. Getting to know ourselves. The real ones, behind all the scenes we create to fool others. And after that, being who we are. And then – flying together.

True or false: Bigger the risk, better the prize

Okay, this thought appeared to me when trying to sleep one night. It seems that I have these ‘wise’ thoughts many times when almost in sleep. It had something to do with one of my stuff that I’m writing at the moment. One character just popped into my mind and said: “Bigger the risk, better the prize.” It was about taking chances, grabbing the moment but in the same time losing something very valuable and important. It was almost impossible for me to go to sleep when I started to ponder this in my head. Is it true? Would I take the chance? What do I consider to be most important and how would it feel to lose it all in order to follow a dream? Would I? Would you?

Suddenly I was thinking about casinos and gambling, seeing myself playing cards with friends (I suck in it, btw) and in my sleepy head I was pretty sure I had hit the spot with the statement above. When thinking it all over again, I thought it might not be the case. You can be fooled, you know. The risk can be enormous while the prize isn’t that good. People lie. Or then it is just that hard to tell when to stop gambling.

In one cartoon there was this rooster who found the end of the rainbow and instead of a pot of gold there was this game of luck. First he won a dirty sock, or actually he got it free. After that he was asked if he wanted to change the sock to the thing that was hiding behind the nearby curtain. Well, without a doubt he wanted to make the change. So they revealed what was behind the curtain: a really fancy car. The rooster was happily surprised. Again he was asked: ‘Surely, you don’t want to keep that, for you could just take a look what is behind the next curtain.’ Well, the exact words weren’t these, but the thought was. And again, the rooster wanted to take the risk. He won again! He got it all: fame, money, luck, friends, girls… just about everything anyone could even imagine. And again he was asked: ‘You can keep that, but you could change all this to the thing that is behind the next curtain.’

A sensible person would have said: ‘I think I’ll just keep all this stuff, thank you’. Right? At this point the risk of losing everything became huge. But the rooster was stunned by his luck and he believed there could be even better things waiting for him. So he wanted change it all! The curtain was lifted and the thing he actually won after all was – yes – the dirty sock.

I think there is a wise thought behind the story. It’s hard to tell when to stop. It could be easy for everybody else, but the person that is in the situation, who is making the decision, it could be really hard. Luck can make us blind. At least I recognize myself in this when playing poker with friends. I never know when to stop. Gosh.

Anyways, the risk that the rooster encountered was huge, the prize wasn’t. I mean, even the risk is big, the prize may not be. The risk is all about the losing part. If you have a lot, you can lose a lot. When you have nothing to lose, could there be any risk at all? No, I don’t think so. Then there is just an opporturnity, a possibility.

I’m not sure if I can actually explain this as I would like. It feels like the thing I would like to say is slipping away, even further with every word I write. I don’t mean I wouldn’t appericiate the possibility part, I am, but we were talking about risks, right? I have never been any good in taking them. I have a dream that one day I would do some decisions, even hard ones, for a higher purpose, something I feel that is right for me, right for the voice of my heart, kind of. Even if it did mean I would lose everything I have already. Standing behind your own truth, that is something that I highly respect. I admire those kind of people who do that.

Hmph. Straying. Sorry.

So, I think the statement is wrongly put. It is not true, not in that way. It could be said: ‘Better the prize, bigger the risk’. I mean, there is no such thing as a free dinner. Nothing in this world is free. Someone has to pay. If you want the big prize, you need to be ready to take huge risks. And if you are lucky enough, you will succeed.

That is what following a dream actually is about, isn’t it?

Men just don’t get it

This time I have come across to a thought I basically have known in the gut level forever, but never really thought it through. A friend of mine said it to me: men just don’t get it. Now, let me explain. They do get a lot of stuff, I’m sure, but the thing we were discussing about was understanding the real meaning between the lines. Picking up the clues. Getting the hints. There’s just no chance that a man would actually do that. If they do, they are misunderstanding or picking up the wrong clues. Agree?

I’m having this dream in my head that I might have told you before: that there would be a man who would know what I am thinking without saying a word (Edward Cullen was good at that). Yes, yes, I know, that is impossible, so I have moderated my dream as follows: if the man would understand me between the lines, with so few clues as possible. (Don’t ask why, I don’t know. Maybe it’s about the feeling being understood and being loved and cared for.) I was pretty amused when a Finnish astrologer, Seppo Tanhua, told me that with my planets (can’t remember which one he spoke of, perhaps Venus) I’m presumably waiting the man of my life to understand me between the lines. For example (that he used) if the windowsill has fallen for some reason to the floor and all the flowers are just a huge mess on it, too, I’m about to say: ‘Hey, the windowsill just fell off.’ Meaning: ‘Could you please fix the windowsill?’ I laughed, really, for that I would do. It’s nothing new to me, it’s just the thing, that would be the most natural thing for me to say and to expect the man to fix the sill. I don’t know if that’s common in us women and do men get it.

Anyways,  I have tried that thing with my husband, and the results have been, umm, discomforting. I have been frustrated over and over again for not being understood correctly. The thing this friend of mine said it has kinda opened my eyes. The men just don’t get it. It’s not just him or not just me not being able to understand each other. It’s just that men need to be told directly and without any ambiguity what we are trying to say. I have heard that many times before, but now I somehow, I don’t know, saw the meaning of it. I just get the feeling that if I need to explain it straight through, the other must be a bit dumb, or that he feels that I’m considering him to be one. That may not be the case, it’s just us being that different.

I have always thought that I’m pretty tolerant and understandable person. That I can take differency well and cope with it. It seems that I may not be all that tolerant as I have thought. How did I end up in here? Gosh.

I have these experiences with some persons that I have been understood between the lines, or just with saying a half a word they just got it. That is fun! I enjoy it tremendously! Really. I had this friend once who was my best friend ever, and with her we played this board game called Alias where we tried to explain certain words without using any revealing hints, and I remember her telling me that the word she meant wasn’t ‘a plastic bag’ and I instantly responded ‘a paper bag’ – ahh, this is not a good example in English, for in Finnish these words are completely different from each other, no similar ‘bags’ in the end. Anyways, I got it right and we laughed in amaze. And the other example of mine is my dearest bro, J, who can always get me between the lines. He is a man, though, but he is my brother, so he doesn’t actually count in men in this. I enjoy having conversations with him, for we always seem to understand each other – at least I’m getting that feeling. We are filling in the others sentences and throwing them back and forth with other meanings with the words (I just love playing with words, if I haven’t told you before). That is fun. Totally!

But back to the point. The men just don’t get it. It’s not just them being that incompetent, but it could have something to do with the different trail of thought. If it’s not said out loud, it doesn’t exist to them. In a way, that could be a whole lot easier way of life. To be able just see the reality and not constantly pondering on why someone said what they did or what did these words mean or could they have a secret meaning in them or that this can’t be this simple, there must be something in it… They don’t get it, but when thinking this through I’m beginning to be a bit envious to them.

Now, the next step in my quest of a better life, could be to learn how to say that the ball is red if it is.

The questions without answers

Once upon a time there was this girl who saw happiness everywhere. A beam of sunlight on a tree made her smile, feel special connection to everything. A singing bird made her sing too. Nothing was impossible to her, she believed in her possibilities in life. She believed in life. She believed her own wings, that she could fly. There was a meaning in her life, in every life she encountered.

Time has passed. That girl is me now. I can’t remember how that was, all I get is vague memories.

I have been having a hard time accepting myself and the situations I’m in. Be warned: from now on this text is going to be rather pessimistic, miserable self-pitying thing. But I’m also seriously searching the answers I once had. Please, if you have anything to say, anything, I’d be happy to hear it.

The thing is, I have kept dreaming for some higher purpose, or it seemed. I thought that the dreams and hopes I have make me a better person, a stronger one, a more positive one. Well, I’m not. All I have been ended up is just letting my dreams slip away from my fingertips, because I just can’t achieve them. It seems I dream too big. That is my problem. I’m never really content with what I have or who I am, I’m always searching a way to change things, change me.

I’m tired of looking ’round rules wondering what I gotta do or who I’m supposed to be. I don’t want to be anything other than me. ~Gavin DeGraw

What I have been learning lately is that I shouldn’t be anything else than I am. At first it felt as a relieving thought, that I don’t have to try to be something I’m not. That it could really be acceptable to be someone like me, just as I am. Lately this haven’t felt that couraging, anymore. See, I don’t like being me. I don’t want to be as I am. I. Need. To. Change. I feel like I’m just drifting in my life, never taking any particular destination – or better said, I do have destinations, but they are so distant that after awhile I can’t do anything else than give in, search a new destination and try again. And again.

I don’t have the strength to try again anymore. How could I just settle in where I am?

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime. ~Eminem

I have missed my opporturnities, I guess. I haven’t just spotted them. What if I never will? I had it and I didn’t grab it, so happy living to you, right? My dreams have failed me. And I do know why, they were way too big for a girl like me to really make them happen. I feel pain for the loss and don’t know how to let go. The dreams were more like what I could be, what I could do and how I could have impact in the world. Yeah right. An impact. Let me laugh now. There was a time when I felt it could be possible, and even more, that it was possible. I don’t know how anymore.

I once had a conversation with my shrink and her told me that I’m not supposed to be any different, that I couldn’t be that happy, jumping, singing, passionate girl I would like to be – because I’m not. I’m rather serious, pessimistic, cautious, too kind and shy to be anything like that I would like to be. I was hurt. It hurts still, though it has been years now. One of my teachers told me once that I’m so serious all the time. That comment made me go all serious, seriously, because I didn’t feel like that at all.

I read one astrological portrait of me lately and was totally frustrated about it. It told me the very same thing, with different words. It told me that I shouldn’t be trying to be anything special but rather to fit in the crowd. I have always felt that averagy is the worst kind of a place to be. If I couldn’t be good in at least something, then I would want to be very bad in it. But being exactly same as everybody else is… Oh god. But still, there might actually be the answer: to stop trying. You know, trying has never got me anywhere, anyways. Made me frustrated, that’s all. Maybe the path to peace and serenity would be that I shouldn’t try anything anymore? I don’t know how to accept this.

I guess the thing that makes me rebel against myself all the time is that I have so different picture in my head about me than others do. I mean, I know I’m cautious and all that mentioned above, even serious publically, but inside my head I’m not. I got this feeling that I have that fire in me, the fire I’m dreaming of, but I just can’t find it. I can’t let it shine. I can’t, because I don’t know how.

What’s going on fails to concern me, cause I’m locked behind my wall. ~Poets of the Fall

The questions I have been thinking again and again and never really finding any answers to them have been as follows.

How can I accept myself? Or better said, the thing that I shouldn’t become any different at all? Or get what you want? How could I settle for my part and be happy still? How could I make my everyday life to be enough? How could I stop trying to change other people but rather accept them as they are? How could I unite my own needs/hopes and the reality? How could I discern my hopes from the needs I really need? How could I let my hopes and dreams go and stop trying to touch the stars? How could I know when to give up and when to hold on to my own rights? And what would those rights be anyways?

Gosh. Reality sucks.

Dreaming of… travelling

Ok. I think I told you guys that I’m pretty good at it. Dreaming, I mean. One thing I do dream of constantly is travelling. Gosh, that I want to see everything! This reminds me of one course in my school that was called intercultural competence. I loved it! We had teachers and visitors from many countries and we took a glimpse of other cultures and their ways of life. That surely was interesting. I got the best points in the exam – and the whole year course of our school was taking it. I was proud. I still am. The things just sticked in me, it was so clear and understandable to me. And, oh, did I mention that it was interesting?

That was not the moment when I realized that I wanted to see the world. It was a moment that made it more clear, though. The people are so interesting. The things that are clear and simple to me are very differently understood in other countries, or may be. I feel it highly refreshing to be able to share views and thoughts. Not to mention that I might be a bit curious as well.

The different religions, foods, habits, why they are acting as they are… it all is so interesting, I just can’t explain it. And it is not just that. I mean, I love even the travelling itself. I mean, sitting on a bus is very relaxing for me, the fact that I am moving, and not staying still. I love it. I travel everyday an hour on a bus to work and back and I love it. I need it, the change, the constant change. The one thing I can’t stand is… you know, the everyday life, the feeling that nothing is going to change anyways, so just try to spend the day for a new day to come and then spend it too. That is my nightmare. I. Need. Change. And I think that travelling could do it for me.

I have to admit, I haven’t done it as much as I would like. And the reason is of course my financial things. If I only had the money, I wouldn’t be blogging here. Or actually, I might, but I would be with my laptop somewhere else. *sigh* I have been in London, though, and I fell in love with the city. One of my friends was there later and she told me that there was nothing to do. What? Excuse me? “Nothing to do” is not the first thing that would come into my mind when thinking London. She was there a weekend, and she was bored. I was there a week and it was surely too short time for me.

What made it so highly rewarding experience? I don’t know. I felt like home. I was at ease in the buzz of the city. With all the people. With all the pleases and thankyous. The friend that I had with me that time didn’t get it, the politeness, she answered the questions bluntly and I was ashamed. I tried to tell her that she couldn’t be that Finnish in London, but she didn’t get it. I enjoyed it, though. It was amazing. I also love the thing I have started to call English humour, I don’t know if others mean the same thing with it. I mean, something subtle, and almost unnoticeable, a silent humour, in a Tolkien-kind-of-way. I. Love. It.

I’m not into the humour like throw-a-cake-on-a-face –things. I like to be amused slightly and cleverly.

How did I end up here?

Anyway. Almost any country would do. I will go back to England some day. I also have hopes to visit USA (the English-speaking countries seem more safe to me, I have to admit), but the European countries are interesting as well. There are some very beautiful architectures, old things that intrigue me. Ancient things like in Egypt. Distant things like in Japan. I think that if I could have time to familiarize myself in any country possible, I would find it interesting in some way.

So, I am dreaming of travelling. The change. The new places, new ideas, new thoughst, new people, new me.

Wish I was an author.
Wish I was abroad.
Wish I was an author abroad.

Maybe one day, right?

Right to dream?

It seems like I can’t stop bothering myself with this certain person. His opinions and words make me always react, feel this indignation, and I’m not even sure if it is justified. I get this feeling I need to tell him that he is wrong, that the way I see things are completely different. Or, actually, that was a rather hasty judgement. I mean, I usually can see his point of view as well, and kind of understand it, too. The point is, I do think very differently and somehow I get this feeling his words are meant for me and his opinions meant to constrict mine. Why, oh, why? I know that is not very mature way of thinking, right? Aren’t we supposed to allow everybody think as they do and have the opinions they have?

Well. You know. This is me. I have this innate urge to react to everything. That can be a bit frustrating from time to time. It would be easier for just about everybody around to just let it be. Why do I care?

Yes, that is the question. Why do I care about this persons opinions so much? Isn’t that obvious? I would very much like to make a good impression on him, in other words, I do care about him. In a way. And there is the quirky part, it wouldn’t be me, if there wasn’t, right?

He is a celebrity.

I should be embarrassed now, right? And I am, believe me. But I do get this feeling that there might be some others in this world as well who think exactly the same thoughts. Privately. Anyways, here goes.

The thing I’m thinking at this point is what he told to his fans recently, or actually I have heard that same thing over and over again. It’s that he expresses his hopes for the fans not to send him anything, but to give to charity that money they have used for this sending, and buying gifts and stuff, and all.

I get it. I do. And I appriciate the thought behind it.

But I do see this issue on the other way around, as well. Giving the money to charity would be nice, but the point the fans have when they send everything to him, is something quite different.

They. Want. To. Be. Seen.

How personal it would be to just give money? Or tranfer some digits from one bank account to another? Very personal, indeed. How would he know then it was me who gave the money? Of course, he would know how much he is loved by his fans as a whole, but the one particular fan wouldn’t be any different from another.

I don’t know what it is like to have fan mail. I’m not any celebrity, how could I. But I can assume that piles and piles of letters and packages could get on my nerves if there would be enough of them. And I can assume even further that there might not be a slightest possibility for a celebrity to look through them all. But I feel like that almost non-existent possibility for to be seen, keeps the fans sending stuff.

And the reason I got upset of this was that I consider that unfair somehow. The fans are not sending merely the letters or gifts. They are sending their heart. Their appriciation, admiration, dreams. Giving the money wouldn’t just be the same.

It makes me think, though. Maybe there is a reason for all this. I mean, perhaps the celebrity doesn’t want to have any mail because he don’t even care. He doesn’t give a damn for all that dedication he gets. He has gotten pretty much enough of it. Maybe he has come all famous. You know.

The other option could be that he does care. And he cares also about something else, something bigger, the whole world and the well-being of all creatures. And he hopes that he has this effect on people, that maybe they could take action because of him.

Or maybe both.

What makes me frustrated is the feeling like he is denying the right to dream. On very universal level isn’t dreaming the thing that makes us humans? The ability to see better world and then act to achieve it? Of course, there are several types of dreams, I agree. The realistic and the unrealistic ones. The ones that makes the whole world a better place for all of us, and the ones that cares nothing about anybody else.

I need to tell you this, allthough it might seem (once again) that I’m straying. There have been times when I systematically have shot my dreams down. I don’t know why, maybe I had this feeling that there is no use in trying when everything is going to fail anyways. So I felt like it’s safer to not dream anything. And how did that make me feel in the end? Sad, miserable, like I was living my life without any purpose, like my life didn’t exist at all. Everything was just the same, day after day and never was going to change.

That was not a good feeling. I know now that we all do need dreams. We need to be told that it is our priviledge. What kind of place this world would be if nobody had ever dreamed anything? Being able to dream is something that is a very profound level in all of us. What would I be without my dreams?

I mean, there could be that even this celebrity of mine is dreaming about something greater and almost un-achievable thing as well. I would be even ready to make a bet for it. And if someone told him that is not going to happen, he is not even allowed to have that dream and he should just drop it off – would he be happy about it?

Ok, well, maybe he is right telling his fans this. There is no point in continuing to grow some immeasurable dreams that has to die anyways. It is not nice to hear, but later on they will thank him. Right?

Am I going to?

Perhaps not. But I’m not listening to him anyways.

On this subject I’m going to keep my stand. I have the right to dream. As does anybody.

Just try to stop me.