Fear not – just do it

Cristian Mihai blogged about fear lately. I have said this before and I will say it again: I love this man’s blog. He has very insightful thoughts and his way of expressing himself is just brilliant. I mean, he is not trying to show off with words, but it is made very obvious that he can use them in any way he wants. And I have said this before, too: I absolutely adore people who know how to use their words.


Okay, well, that was the inevitable praise -part. Now to the fear!

I guess you should see what Cristian wrote. Just click.

I agree with him. Pretty much, indeed. I have shared this same quote in my Twitter-account, Facebook-account and now here. I just feel it’s so true. It’s so true, it’s confusing.


“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”


I could add couple quotes more. How about these:

“Your life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

“If you keep doing things as you always have been doing, you keep getting what you always have been getting.”


I’m on a mission, myself. I’m evolving to a better person. I wish I am at least. I have been pondering quotes like these over and over again. They have been enlightening to me, they have said out loud what I have been quietly thinking.

There’s something magical in quotes, though. You can hear them like hundred of times and never really hear them. Untill the day you feel them in your own life. In one moment you suddenly stop and realize that ‘wait a minute, the quote was all about this!’

When it becomes real in your own reality, only then it matters. If the thought in them is just couple of words put together, it means nothing.


Fear, then. We are all but humans. We all fear new things, for they could be potentially dangerous for us. We all fear old things that have hurt us before. We all fear that the fear will keep us chained, prevents us doing the things we want most.

I fear, at least. I’m pretty damn scared about lots of things. Making decisions, for example. If the one I make is the wrong one. If there’s no going back. If I will lose it all and end up being alone and miserable.

The life is about taking chances. We have given every new day, and the new day is full of new opporturnities. Full of moments in where we could decide to behave differently. Where we could start chasing the dream we feel is the most important.

You know. I thought that this is an impossible equation: me + London + Gavin DeGraw. You know what. It wasn’t. Suddenly I found myself sitting in the concert of Gavin DeGraw in London. That was a dream that felt way to far for me. But it wasn’t. And that should be encouraging!

And it all began with taking the first step. The little one. It’s not assumed that we should jump into the scary thing head over heels (we can do that, too, if we’re brave enough, there’s nothing wrong in that one, either), but we can start with a tiny step.
So small it feels no step at all.
But the thing that changes when we do this is our own attitude. Our willingness to change makes the change possible.

Our willingness to face the fear makes the fear slip away.

It has been told that in a nightmare you should stop running and turn around and face the hidious monster that’s coming after you – and you will survive. The unknown is the most scary part in fear. The if-part. And like Cristian wrote: the thing he can’t make it absolutely sure that he will succeed if moving in US. I know this feeling pretty well, myself. I have always been one of a securer. I only do things when I’m 101 % sure I won’t fail.

But you know what? The life isn’t secure. The life is about chances. You will never get anywhere if you want to make sure your feet don’t get cold.

It feels harsh sometimes to realize that there’s nothing to be taken as granted in life. Nothing. But on the other hand it should give us hope, for every moment is a new chance. This moment.

The thing you need to do is the first step.


One more quote:

“You need to be brave only the first 20 seconds. The rest of it takes care of itself.”


The first step. The first 20 seconds. Be the one. You can do it.

I mean it. You can.


The secret of happiness

You read it correctly. This is it. I finally found out what it is about being happy. It’s not a secret, really, for I think that anyone could come to the same conclusion if they just wanted.

And this is it: The secret of happiness is not knowing anything better.

Yeah, I know, it might sound a bit, umm, harsh. But let me explain.

One of my friend told me once a story about a disabled boy, who had never felt communion with others. Who had always been bullied, neglected, left alone, and had never played anything with other kids. Then one day the coach of the local football team for kids took this boy with him to the training game and let him play with others. It went extremely well and this boy was happier than he had ever been before.

When I heard this I was moved, I felt happy for this boy. I felt that the coach had made the very best thing that was in his power to do. But my friend here, had another point of view. She said that that boy shouldn’t be treated like that, he shouldn’t be taken as a part of the group ‘for pity’s sake’. She said that this boy couldn’t never be truly one of them, so he shouldn’t have had the opporturnity to experience it at all.

I didn’t get her point. I disagreed so bad. We argued about it, too. We never actually understood each other. But now, as I think about this, I think that she might have had a point in that.

I mean, I’m still glad about the thought that this boy was this happy and could have this experience. But nowadays I think also how might have he felt later on. If he had experienced something that good, why wouldn’t he wanted to have that good feeling again? And if he wouldn’t have been able to do it again, wouldn’t it have made him feel frustrated, annoyed, unhappy, even sad? If he wanted something he couldn’t have, wouldn’t it had made him unhappy?

Well, there’s different ways of deal with what the life brings you, I agree. Someone would be happy with the one good experience and cherish it in one’s memory, be grateful for it. But I think that it would be more human way of behaviour to feel frustrated, or unhappy if the one time experience wouldn’t be achievable ever again. From this point of view it would have been better if the boy wouldn’t have been able to experience it at all as far as the happiness is regarded.

It has been said that the simply ones are the most happy persons. And also that the knowledge will increase the suffering. And I must agree with these statements, despite of how simple and naivistic they sound. Because I believe that a human can’t ever be truly happy with the situation he is at if he knows that there would be something better in the world that he might be able to get. Or even if it was something he wouldn’t be able to get, but someone else would be.

We envy. We desire. We want. We wish. We dream. And there’s nothing wrong in having dreams. I have written before that the ability to dream is one thing that makes us all humans. The ability to see how things could be better, and do them, too.

And I do agree that there are persons who can be happy with their lives, and I believe that they have found something the others are missing. They don’t want anything other than what they already have. The poor isn’t the one who has little, but the one who wants more. When thinking it through in this way it seems rather obvious that not knowing anything better would make happiness so much easier.

I once read a story about siamese twins who said that they living together in the same body kind of, was just normal to them, that ‘they don’t know anything else’. And they were rather happy with their life as it was. When I think about it, being trapped in the same body with someone else for my whole life, it feels… horrible. Not being able to decide what to wear, where to go, how to act, not being able to step away from that person or be alone – ever. That’s horrible, for me. But these girls said ‘it’s normal, we don’t know anything else’.

They were happy about their situation, for they didn’t know anything better.

I guess that knowing a lot and still being happy and content with the life as it is, is a goal we all should try to get. Where I’m trying to get, all the time. Maybe Aristotle had it right when saying: ‘Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.’

And that could indeed be the most difficult thing in human existence, as well.


The point of this post is this: we are all nothing but strangers. We are all individuals with our own dreams and needs and thoughts. There’s nobody out there that’s perfectly similar to me. But that shouldn’t keep us apart. That could be the ultimate reason to get to know others better, don’t you think?

Just someone
A couple of days ago someone I didn’t know started a conversation with me when I was waiting for my bus. That’s actually quite common that strangers at the same bus stop say ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’ at least if they see each other like every day. But this was slightly different, for her acted as we knew already and started to tell me stories of her life.
“Oh, it’s been twenty years since I traveled by bus last time”, she said. “I’ve started a new job and I thought I should try it again.”
I replied politely, but I wasn’t really looking forward to continue that conversation.
“What time do you travel back?” she asked.
Okay, well, this was going a bit too far for me. I don’t have anything against that strangers talk to me, but I’m not comfortable sharing info of my daily routines.
She didn’t see my uneasiness and kept babbling in very friendly way, and finally I found myself talking with her in the same manner.
And suddenly I was thinking celebrities. Ha. I always seem to think them. But this thought hit me like a lightning: to celebs everyone is a stranger.
Let me explain this little further.
Obviously I don’t mean their own friends or family, but just about anyone. And actually, if I think this more, everyone is a stranger to anybody, too. But I got this vision about a celeb, so let’s take a better view of it.
A fan feels s/he knows the celeb and wants to have a chat with him/her. All I have thought before is just this fan’s point of view: I love someone, have a deep respect for someone’s work and talents, so it’s the most natural thing to do, actually, to have a chat.
But now I suddenly realized that a fan is just a stranger to the celeb. Like this woman was to me.
I suddenly could imagine how it would feel for a celeb who isn’t prepared to meet fans and is suddenly bumped into them. This willingness of being polite, because that’s what’s expected, actually, but secretly wishing at the same time that the ‘somebody’ would just leave them alone.
Well, I’m not sure if they’re in some ready-mode all the time, because these are people who love them nonetheless. And this woman was not a fan of mine, I’m pretty sure about that. She was just being friendly and I actually enjoyed having this unexpected conversation with her when I managed to come over my instinctive hesitation.
I wonder if the celebs feel this hesitation, too. If they are wondering how on earth can they just bugger off without being rude. If they would just want to enjoy their free time alone sometimes. You know, I would!
This thought somehow opened my eyes. It’s always enlightening to see things from someone else’s point of view.
They don’t see inside our heads (of course if they’re not edwardcullens), they don’t know about the thoughts we have had about them (thank god), they don’t feel the love we’re feeling, they don’t know us. Let me say that again: they don’t know us. I know me, I know my thoughts, my respect, my love, my admiration – and in some way I feel this mystical connection to this image of a celeb I have made up in my head – and I think this person should feel it too. But you know what? They don’t know us.
We are just strangers to them.
And in the end, they are just strangers to us.

My possession
If we turn this another way around and try to understand this conversation through this woman’s eyes, what could we see? I think she just is that friendly and talkative and just thought that it’s nice to chat with someone instead of standing quietly and staring in the distance as no other person existed at all. Maybe she was a bit anxious to start a new job, to take a bus for a first time for twenty years.
But would she have started the conversation if I was, umm, somehow very different from her? If I had spiky purple hair and huge tattoos around my neck and I was wearing  very short skirt and needles through my skin?
I truly don’t know. I have seen this woman several times after that and she seems to know just about everyone. So, I think it’s just her. She’s just that social person, so social it was a bit awkward for me at first.
How about the fan’s point of view, then?
I have been doing some research of my own in Twitter lately. I have been checking out the responses celebs get to their tweets. And suddenly I was thinking something like, gosh, do we truly think we own these people?
I got this strange feeling that the fans, umm, that it isn’t about admiration, or love, or respect anymore. It’s about possession. This particular celeb is mine. My own. Nobody else can touch him, speak to him, see him, or tweet him. And I want/need/will get him to answer my tweets, whatever I need to do, I’ll do.
It’s become somehow wild and aggressive for me, the way we treat our idols. And I find it bit confusing. I feel embarrassed when reading some responses. I mean, come on. If it is demanded to be like that to be able to call oneself a fan of someone, then you can count me out. I’m not one of anybody’s in that case.
I guess it’s about getting their attention. We all love them, and we want to be seen by them, but… You know. We don’t own them. Let me say this again: We don’t own them. We don’t. Just as they don’t know us, we don’t own them.
We have this image of them in our heads, and when it’s strong enough, it starts blurring with the real person, it starts to have an effect in our minds – not them, obviously, for they have no idea of our thoughts whatsoever.
It’s not our right of decision to make them, you know, like us back. They don’t have to. They do their own decisions, no matter what we would want them to do. And that is the reason we love them, actually, isn’t it? We wouldn’t want them in any other way. I wouldn’t anyways.
They are just as strange to us as we are to them. And they are real persons behind the image. Maybe we should keep that in mind when tweeting them.

True or false: everything will change

There are some people who mean well and want to encourage others when saying ‘it’ll be allright’, ‘it’s okay’, ‘everything will change’, ‘just don’t give up, you’ll get there eventually’. ‘you never know how close you are, so don’t give up’. And sort of things, you know what I’m talking about, right? ‘Just follow your heart. Everything’s gonna be just fine.’

These people has been annoying me before, too, but nowadays I’ve been thinking it through more thoroughly. I have written some bitter poems about these guys. Saying that what if not? How can they know? Why do they think they know it? What makes them so all-powerful that they can say that everything’s gonna be just fine. What if it isn’t going to be ‘just fine’? What gives them the right to lie?

Life isn’t a fairytale, you know. There are some obligations, there is unfairness, unhappy endings, disappointmens, broken dreams, broken hearts, divorces, abuse, violence, people dying, losing all hope, committing suicide. And everything is going to be just fine?

How come I have never seen that one coming?

Does that mean that we should keep up living no matter what? That we should ‘learn’ from our painful experiences and become better human beings? That we don’t feel that pain anymore no matter what?

Yes, I’m a bit bitter, I know. I was just telling E, my 4-year-old, that a brave person isn’t the one who isn’t afraid, but the one who is afraid and does the scary thing no matter what. I guess there’s something similar in this one. Like, the pain is something, umm. I can’t grab it. I don’t know. That it should be felt, and … then what? I don’t know. Everything’s gonna change, yea right. Like it has done before, right? Well, okay, some things have changed, I give you that much, but still, I’m still me, I’m still unhappy with myself, I’m still bitter about the things I can’t change.

How come, I just ask, how come my dreams are never the ones that can come true? Is there something they are not telling me, these ‘everythingsgonnabeallrigt’ers? Everything’s gonna be allright, if… right? The if. If I do my part, I guess.

I hate myself talking like this. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be the old me again. The one who still believed in dreams. I guess I have learned in a hard way that there is no such thing as dreams come true in this world.

Yeah. And what really gets me, is that it’s always me that should change. If I’m feeling sad or lonely, I should change and be happy and social – problem solved. If I’m feeling discouraged or afraid, I should change and just be brave – problem solved. Yeah. If I’m blue, I just shouldn’t be. Or better yet: I should accept it. Ha. I should be happy and everything’s gonna be allright. See, I just got it. That’s the if-part.

If I’m happy, everything’s gonna be allright. If I’m not, it’s not.

But you know. Sometimes I feel encouraged when hearing these things. I remember seeing a picture about a guy who was trying to escape from a prison by digging a tunnel for himself. The first picture showed him digging extremely close to the last wall and then he would be out and free. In the second one he had given up and returned to his prison feeling devastated. The point is, you never know how close you are to a breakthrough if you give up. I agree. I know that’s true, and that should be encouraging to just anybody.

Just one more try. Just one more. One.

But still, on the other hand. There is a certain point of things when you can’t keep going. The point when you are only hurting yourself if you don’t know how to give up. You can’t go fighting windmills, you know. And this is the thing I’m actually thinking today. How do discern the helpless and pointless fight from a real opporturnity? When it is worth keep going no matter what?

Follow your heart? That’s the next tip you’re going to give me, I guess. Follow my heart. Yeah. My heart is a fool, you know. Would you trust your life in a hands of a fool?

But is it true then? That everything will change? If we just keep going?

I guess it is.

After all I have just said, I still think it is true. Well, okay, maybe not ‘everything’, but ‘something’ at least. I mean, if we are willing and ready to take some action, something will happen. I’m not saying that the change will always be a good change, but anyways, change it is. Someone told me once that if we just keep on doing things as we have used to, we will keep getting what we have been getting so far. And if we want to change that we need to do things differently. Try something else, something new, something better.

I guess that’s the point. If we are not happy with the situations we’re in, we should do something differently – and something will change. If not anything else, then we will change. By learning, by experience, by new thoughts, the fresh air beneath our wings. The wings that may or may not carry us. You’ll never know if you don’t try it, right?

But geez, people, stop telling me lies. ‘Everything’s gonna be allright’. You can’t know it. Just can’t. But you know what? I’m quite happy with the 50 %, still. That’s more hope I have been giving myself lately.

I have my windmills, my mountains to move. I guess I’ll just keep going for awhile. Untill I crash and burn. What else could I do? Sit back and later have regrets of not even giving a try? Well, maybe it is better to try and crash and burn than just look up to the stars and feel disencouraged that they are so far.

And maybe that is the way when something will change.

What gives you the strength to keep going?

Something inside us

There’s something about celebrities. I have been thinking them lately. I have been wondering that why we keep feeling attracted to them, what would be the ultimate reason for it. Would it be fame, money, good looks? Success? Our own dreams, hopes, needs?

I have come to a conclusion. I feel that there is something inside us that wants to be seen, or to be handled, or to be set free. Something we don’t know or we are afraid of. Inside of us. Not in them.

I mean, we can’t know the celebrities as they were our friends, can we? We know absolutely nothing about them but the image they have built on themselves. I took this thought a little step further. Maybe the image they have, isn’t really the one they have been building, but instead something the fans are making up in their heads. And if it starts with a fan, it must be something to do with the fan, as well.

We do these projections in every relationship, so why not in these unreal mystical connections?

I have been thinking that maybe there is something I should learn about myself or my life or the life in general from the celebs I’m the most infatuated with.

There has been times when I realized that I could say out loud my own beliefs (learned that from Darren Hayes, love him!). There has been times when I realized that taking care of myself just isn’t enough, that there is something to be done for every one of us and that every little deed counts, that you need to start local to get global (learned that from Ian Somerhalder, love him, too!).

At this moment I’m realizing things about being true to myself, being who I am, not caring about what other people might tell me, if I feel it right in my heart. That I could be part of some ideologies or communities, that I should be part of something bigger and still be able to be individually just me. You might guess. Yeah, I thank Gavin DeGraw for this phase of my life.

I have no idea what these guys would say if I told them what I have learned from them. But I love them all. I have learned a lot, and I shall be learning for ever after, I guess.

Is there someone who has taught you something? Who do you feel connected to?

The second take

Oh, alright. You asked for this. Well, I guess you didn’t, actually. I’m so helpless. Ha.

I might have told you already that I deeply love a guy called Gavin DeGraw. Some creep, nobody actually knows him anyways.

Not really. He’s my current, umm, subject of idolisation. Very talented musician, I could listen his music 24/7. And I mean truly mean it. I never get bored of his amazing voice. His lyrics. His appearance. Him. (Listening him at the moment, too, if you need to know.)

Anyways. I had fun when makin this next thing up. I took his songs and lyrics and put them together in a way they made a whole sentences and revealed my darkest secrets. So, in this next ‘letter’ there’s not a single word of mine, they are all his, just rearranged. And I managed to put in some my thoughts of Gavin and me, as well. Or plenty of them, I might dare to say.

I felt like I was testing my wit against his when I put the pieces together. Anyways, I loved doing this. I hope you enjoy reading it.

And remember, if you like it, it’s not me. It’s him. It’s all Gavin.

A hollow-point header

You might really be the very best man to ever suit me. I know you don’t believe it but I said it and I still mean it. I wanna be where you are and willing to get there, cause I just took a flight to make it here tonight. Don’t make me return and wake up, it’s just no climbing back.

I don’t expect you to see as I see no matter what I say. So before this goes too far I let it slip away, I’m not even close. So maybe I call this a hard lesson learned. After all anyone can see: no way this is a fair play. And finally I’m forced to face the truth: you won’t even get next to me.

I’m tired looking around rules of what I gotta do or who I’m supposed to be. I suppose I could hold it in, but you have to try it if you really gonna know.

I’m gonna try. I want to. I need to. I have to.

Oh, how can I explain? I’m taking risks here, but one thing I can say is I won’t tell you lies.

When I first heard you it was almost as if you already knew my language. I’m amazed and I’m clutching to every word you say. I have my own line of defense, somehow you broke through it all so break down your walls.

Oh, you just don’t know what you do to me, you make me want to spread my arms and fly. Yeah, what I’m feeling is hard to explain. I feel the same I did from the start.

Whenever I see you I want more. One look at that smile and I’m all yours. I have you to thank for making me so hard to please.

I think I love you, but don’t even know ya.

Damn, damn boy you do it well. You’re amazing, I’m attracted. You’re just as hot as radiation.

You’re gonna get hooked if there’s anything left I can do. I wanna give you something if you promise that you won’t tell. Just wait until the darkness falls so I can sin with you.

I know I’m easy to read, you know what to do. Patience growing thin: put up your hands and surrender to me. I wanna get lost with you.

I’m still falling.

What you wanna do now, are we headed somewhere?

I’ll be free for you anytime. Nice to meet you anyway.


Miracles happen

I have a pendant that says: “Miracles happen”.

I thought that when I was in Gavin DeGraw’s concert in London today. I sat there when the music played and the beat went on and suddenly I thought about miracles in life. I was thinking that ‘this is a miracle, kind of’.

And it was.

I mean. Miracles do happen, but they don’t appear up and say: “Hey, I’m your miracle, be amazed!” The real miracles are hidden and quiet ones.

The ones you only realize when looking back.

Little things that made you do big decisions.

Fast fading moments that made you feel alive, breathe deeper.

The people who made you feel good just being yourself.

They do happen. We just don’t pay attention.

I was lucky enough today to spot one of my miracles. I wouldn’t have been in London today without Gavin DeGraw. I’m grateful for that. Truly.

Don’t let any of your miracles pass you by. Let’s keep our eyes open, shall we?