They say that love is blind. You must have heard that one before, right? But have you seen it happen in your own life? Have you felt it? Have you been fooled by your heart even though your mind knew better?
Oh, I have.
The most frustrating feeling ever must be the thing when your mind and heart are completely and wholeheartedly disagreeing with each other. When you know in your mind why something can never be, and you can mention several reasons (pretty damn good reasons) for why it can never be, but your heart wants what it wants.
I have always considered myself more as a person who tends to think and (over)analyze everything, than to let feelings decide. I may have huge feelings inside, but I never let them guide me, never show me the impossible, because, you know, impossible is impossible, end of the conversation. I analyze my feelings so thoroughly that they lost their power.
You can call it sad, if you want. It might be. I dream about being led by my passion, but it seems I don’t have that great feelings anyhow.
One reason for my constant hesitation with my feelings is that my heart is a fool. She doesn’t know what is good for her. She has been misled countless of times, and she still wants to believe. She is unbelievable. Frustratingly foolish.
Even when some people are proved to be dishonest, crooked and sarcastically emotionless, my heart wants to see only the good in them. She gives explanations, excuses for their inconsiderate behavior, and she forgives. Constantly. All the time. All the freaking time.
The problem arises when they can’t be forgiven. Okay. You tell me now that we should forgive everything, and be a good person, right? But let’s be honest. Not everything can be forgiven. Or maybe they can be forgiven, but never forgotten. But my heart here, she wants to forget. Every detail, every heart breaking moment of pain and loneliness and disappointment. All she wants is to forget and give them another chance.
But my mind, she tells me that it can’t happen. That once fooled, I can’t trust anymore. That I should keep my eyes open, and be wary. Shut the door of my heart that my heart wants to keep wide open for anyone to step in and make oneself feel like at home. Shut the damn door and let nobody in. It’s wiser to be alone, then nobody can come and hurt me anymore.
So, what to do when they both fight for their right to decide what to do with the door?
What to do when the people don’t change? Where is the line to stop?
Oh, yeah, I told you I tend to listen to my mind on this. I’ve used to. Since lately, when my heart has found a new weakness and given the phrase ‘love is blind’ a whole new perspective and meaning. I see, but I don’t want to. I get hurt, but I want to forget. I get fooled, but I let it happen. I feel stupid for believing, and I feel stupid for not doing so, but I want to keep going on. I know it will end eventually, rather sooner than later, but I decide not to think about it. I want to ‘live in the moment’, you know. The biggest lie of all. Nothing good has ever come of my hearts decisions. Why is she so dumb that she can’t just stop doing them, once and for all?
Anyways. A long story about nothing really. My heart is a fool, and I’m constantly being fooled by it. My mind is going crazy over my inability of staying calm and cool around certain people. It is not just that love happens to be blind, it is blind because I deliberately choose blindness over clear vision and judgement.
What is wrong with me?