Shards of the feeling

 

I like to cry.

I can admit that much. Somedays I just need to cry, that’s all I want to do. And how sweet and hurtful it feels. It’s something that first brings me down, and after the misery there is more hope. After the tears I feel much better, like been born anew. The situation may not have changed a bit, but I have received a whole lot more strength and capability of coping with it. It’s like magic, really. That is the main reason why I don’t think that someone who cries is weak in any way.

As a mother of two I also need to cope not only with my own tears but also with my kids’ tears. And you know, kids don’t hold it back, at all. My kids, at least the smaller one, cries every day. It’s all natural to her. When she falls down and hurts herself, she cries. When I tell her she can’t do something she desperately wants, she cries. When she gets scared or lonely, she cries. When the bigger one teases her or she feels her rights has been violated in anyway, she cries. When she gets tired, she cries.

It may sound like she wouldn’t do anything else but cry, but that’s quite the opposite, really. I have never seen more bright, happy and trusting girl as her. She is adorable, deeply caring, very cute (and she knows it) and always ready for new adventures, and she never complains.

And I have tried my best to keep telling her it’s okay to cry.

It’s so natural to kids to cry that I’m almost envious to them. Why is it that it changes when we are adults?

The reasons my daughter keeps crying can be easily be understood. Aren’t those the reasons we adults cry as well? The things may be a bit different, but the reasons for the tears are the same. Loneliness, being scared, being physically or mentally hurt, not getting what we want the most, when our dreams shatter around us, losing something dear and then missing it. And sometimes we are able to cry because of empathy, when these same things happen to others, the ones we love.

These things are the same when crying as a child or as an adult. But something still changes: our own attitude towards crying.

As an adult we try our very best not to cry. We think it is somehow a sign of weakness, or vulnerability, and if this world teaches us something it is that we can’t be weak if we want to be successful. The whole world is ruled by the strong and loud ones, and when we sometimes need to break away from that all and be quiet and cry, we feel that we have not been successful, that we have been failures somehow.

Just admit it. Crying in public is embarrassing.

For me it is, at least. After all I just wrote, I still feel deeply embarrassed if I can’t hold it back. As I said, I do like to cry, but I usually want to do it in my own private time, when nobody can judge me being naïve, or childish, or weak, or just stupid when crying over something that isn’t that important.

But why do I let the judgement of others effect on my own personal experience of things? If I cry for something, that something is important to me in some way. I wouldn’t cry because of something I care nothing about, would I? Others can’t understand why something is important to me if it means nothing to them, but I’m pretty sure that when they do cry they are really doing it for some reason.

We all have our reasons. They might not be the same ones, and they will not be the same ones. We are different, we like different things, we care about different things, we are scared of different things, we long for different things. But the thing that is similar to all of as is the reason behind the tears.

I’d like to think that tears are a sign of a feeling so huge that it can’t just fit in, and it must turn into tears and fall off.

 

The reason I’m thinking of tears so much today is a friend of mine who feels that crying in public has somehow ruined his reputation as a decent human being once and for all.

Okay, well. There is yet another thing with tears. Men don’t cry, right?

When people tell me this I’m ready to jump on the wall. I mean, seriously? Why it is considered so ‘manly’ not to cry and always stay on top of everything, being cool and steady? Do you guys really think that men don’t have feelings?

 

Well, yeah. I’m embarrassed, but I have cried in public several times. Because of heartbreak, because of joy, because of beautiful song on the radio. And in public in this case I don’t mean those times when there was only a few friends seeing me, but rather the whole city, the whole bus, the whole street full of people. But sometimes it is just impossible to hide the tears, sometimes the feeling explodes in me and the only thing I can do is let the shards flow out through my eyes.

Have this made me somehow worse? Have I ruined my reputation?

 

Let me put it this way. I don’t care. It’s my life. It’s my pain, my joy, my feelings. And nobody else has no right to say anything about it if they’re not going through the same thing, if they’re not feeling the same. And even if they were – the tears are mine.

 

The way others see it, or how they feel about it, or what is their attitude towards it.. that is not my concern. Really. If someone makes fun of you when you’re crying, that is just a sign of immaturity, stupidity and inconsideration. They are not making fun of the one that is crying, but of themselves. That is my opinion on this. People who care, will understand.

 

The ones who matter don’t mind, and those who mind, don’t matter.

 

And tears are just water. They can’t change you as a person to worse. The only thing they do to you is give you strength and relief from your situation, what ever it might be.

In the end that is the thing they do.

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