There are some people who mean well and want to encourage others when saying ‘it’ll be allright’, ‘it’s okay’, ‘everything will change’, ‘just don’t give up, you’ll get there eventually’. ‘you never know how close you are, so don’t give up’. And sort of things, you know what I’m talking about, right? ‘Just follow your heart. Everything’s gonna be just fine.’
These people has been annoying me before, too, but nowadays I’ve been thinking it through more thoroughly. I have written some bitter poems about these guys. Saying that what if not? How can they know? Why do they think they know it? What makes them so all-powerful that they can say that everything’s gonna be just fine. What if it isn’t going to be ‘just fine’? What gives them the right to lie?
Life isn’t a fairytale, you know. There are some obligations, there is unfairness, unhappy endings, disappointmens, broken dreams, broken hearts, divorces, abuse, violence, people dying, losing all hope, committing suicide. And everything is going to be just fine?
How come I have never seen that one coming?
Does that mean that we should keep up living no matter what? That we should ‘learn’ from our painful experiences and become better human beings? That we don’t feel that pain anymore no matter what?
Yes, I’m a bit bitter, I know. I was just telling E, my 4-year-old, that a brave person isn’t the one who isn’t afraid, but the one who is afraid and does the scary thing no matter what. I guess there’s something similar in this one. Like, the pain is something, umm. I can’t grab it. I don’t know. That it should be felt, and … then what? I don’t know. Everything’s gonna change, yea right. Like it has done before, right? Well, okay, some things have changed, I give you that much, but still, I’m still me, I’m still unhappy with myself, I’m still bitter about the things I can’t change.
How come, I just ask, how come my dreams are never the ones that can come true? Is there something they are not telling me, these ‘everythingsgonnabeallrigt’ers? Everything’s gonna be allright, if… right? The if. If I do my part, I guess.
I hate myself talking like this. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be the old me again. The one who still believed in dreams. I guess I have learned in a hard way that there is no such thing as dreams come true in this world.
Yeah. And what really gets me, is that it’s always me that should change. If I’m feeling sad or lonely, I should change and be happy and social – problem solved. If I’m feeling discouraged or afraid, I should change and just be brave – problem solved. Yeah. If I’m blue, I just shouldn’t be. Or better yet: I should accept it. Ha. I should be happy and everything’s gonna be allright. See, I just got it. That’s the if-part.
If I’m happy, everything’s gonna be allright. If I’m not, it’s not.
But you know. Sometimes I feel encouraged when hearing these things. I remember seeing a picture about a guy who was trying to escape from a prison by digging a tunnel for himself. The first picture showed him digging extremely close to the last wall and then he would be out and free. In the second one he had given up and returned to his prison feeling devastated. The point is, you never know how close you are to a breakthrough if you give up. I agree. I know that’s true, and that should be encouraging to just anybody.
Just one more try. Just one more. One.
But still, on the other hand. There is a certain point of things when you can’t keep going. The point when you are only hurting yourself if you don’t know how to give up. You can’t go fighting windmills, you know. And this is the thing I’m actually thinking today. How do discern the helpless and pointless fight from a real opporturnity? When it is worth keep going no matter what?
Follow your heart? That’s the next tip you’re going to give me, I guess. Follow my heart. Yeah. My heart is a fool, you know. Would you trust your life in a hands of a fool?
But is it true then? That everything will change? If we just keep going?
I guess it is.
After all I have just said, I still think it is true. Well, okay, maybe not ‘everything’, but ‘something’ at least. I mean, if we are willing and ready to take some action, something will happen. I’m not saying that the change will always be a good change, but anyways, change it is. Someone told me once that if we just keep on doing things as we have used to, we will keep getting what we have been getting so far. And if we want to change that we need to do things differently. Try something else, something new, something better.
I guess that’s the point. If we are not happy with the situations we’re in, we should do something differently – and something will change. If not anything else, then we will change. By learning, by experience, by new thoughts, the fresh air beneath our wings. The wings that may or may not carry us. You’ll never know if you don’t try it, right?
But geez, people, stop telling me lies. ‘Everything’s gonna be allright’. You can’t know it. Just can’t. But you know what? I’m quite happy with the 50 %, still. That’s more hope I have been giving myself lately.
I have my windmills, my mountains to move. I guess I’ll just keep going for awhile. Untill I crash and burn. What else could I do? Sit back and later have regrets of not even giving a try? Well, maybe it is better to try and crash and burn than just look up to the stars and feel disencouraged that they are so far.
And maybe that is the way when something will change.
What gives you the strength to keep going?