The questions without answers

Once upon a time there was this girl who saw happiness everywhere. A beam of sunlight on a tree made her smile, feel special connection to everything. A singing bird made her sing too. Nothing was impossible to her, she believed in her possibilities in life. She believed in life. She believed her own wings, that she could fly. There was a meaning in her life, in every life she encountered.

Time has passed. That girl is me now. I can’t remember how that was, all I get is vague memories.

I have been having a hard time accepting myself and the situations I’m in. Be warned: from now on this text is going to be rather pessimistic, miserable self-pitying thing. But I’m also seriously searching the answers I once had. Please, if you have anything to say, anything, I’d be happy to hear it.

The thing is, I have kept dreaming for some higher purpose, or it seemed. I thought that the dreams and hopes I have make me a better person, a stronger one, a more positive one. Well, I’m not. All I have been ended up is just letting my dreams slip away from my fingertips, because I just can’t achieve them. It seems I dream too big. That is my problem. I’m never really content with what I have or who I am, I’m always searching a way to change things, change me.

I’m tired of looking ’round rules wondering what I gotta do or who I’m supposed to be. I don’t want to be anything other than me. ~Gavin DeGraw

What I have been learning lately is that I shouldn’t be anything else than I am. At first it felt as a relieving thought, that I don’t have to try to be something I’m not. That it could really be acceptable to be someone like me, just as I am. Lately this haven’t felt that couraging, anymore. See, I don’t like being me. I don’t want to be as I am. I. Need. To. Change. I feel like I’m just drifting in my life, never taking any particular destination – or better said, I do have destinations, but they are so distant that after awhile I can’t do anything else than give in, search a new destination and try again. And again.

I don’t have the strength to try again anymore. How could I just settle in where I am?

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime. ~Eminem

I have missed my opporturnities, I guess. I haven’t just spotted them. What if I never will? I had it and I didn’t grab it, so happy living to you, right? My dreams have failed me. And I do know why, they were way too big for a girl like me to really make them happen. I feel pain for the loss and don’t know how to let go. The dreams were more like what I could be, what I could do and how I could have impact in the world. Yeah right. An impact. Let me laugh now. There was a time when I felt it could be possible, and even more, that it was possible. I don’t know how anymore.

I once had a conversation with my shrink and her told me that I’m not supposed to be any different, that I couldn’t be that happy, jumping, singing, passionate girl I would like to be – because I’m not. I’m rather serious, pessimistic, cautious, too kind and shy to be anything like that I would like to be. I was hurt. It hurts still, though it has been years now. One of my teachers told me once that I’m so serious all the time. That comment made me go all serious, seriously, because I didn’t feel like that at all.

I read one astrological portrait of me lately and was totally frustrated about it. It told me the very same thing, with different words. It told me that I shouldn’t be trying to be anything special but rather to fit in the crowd. I have always felt that averagy is the worst kind of a place to be. If I couldn’t be good in at least something, then I would want to be very bad in it. But being exactly same as everybody else is… Oh god. But still, there might actually be the answer: to stop trying. You know, trying has never got me anywhere, anyways. Made me frustrated, that’s all. Maybe the path to peace and serenity would be that I shouldn’t try anything anymore? I don’t know how to accept this.

I guess the thing that makes me rebel against myself all the time is that I have so different picture in my head about me than others do. I mean, I know I’m cautious and all that mentioned above, even serious publically, but inside my head I’m not. I got this feeling that I have that fire in me, the fire I’m dreaming of, but I just can’t find it. I can’t let it shine. I can’t, because I don’t know how.

What’s going on fails to concern me, cause I’m locked behind my wall. ~Poets of the Fall

The questions I have been thinking again and again and never really finding any answers to them have been as follows.

How can I accept myself? Or better said, the thing that I shouldn’t become any different at all? Or get what you want? How could I settle for my part and be happy still? How could I make my everyday life to be enough? How could I stop trying to change other people but rather accept them as they are? How could I unite my own needs/hopes and the reality? How could I discern my hopes from the needs I really need? How could I let my hopes and dreams go and stop trying to touch the stars? How could I know when to give up and when to hold on to my own rights? And what would those rights be anyways?

Gosh. Reality sucks.

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