I have been thinking again. You know, this statement has given me strength for some time now, but I have started to suspect that it may not be true. I mean, I understand the point, it is meant to be a couraging sentence and nothing more, but still. Why say things if they aren’t true? Is this?
I think the point has been that you should become better. You should learn from your mistakes, you should grow wiser, tougher and more focused on your destination. You should try more, get over it and do better. I believe there are people who are able to do that. I’m not one of them. I’m more like with those who think: what’s the point trying again when all I’m going to do is fail anyway?
To me a failure seems to be a proof that I am condemned to fail ever after, that I have been right not even trying before. To me a failure is something that you can’t take back or rectify, ever. Yeah. I know. That may actually not be the case and this could be the reason I’m so embarrassed to try something new in front of others. I need to know I can do it before I can try it out publically.
I have this hunch that if I could turn the thought around so that I could believe the headline, it could be a huge resource of belief and strength and optimism. And in a way I do believe it. The thing is, I don’t expect it to be easy. Actually, I’m expecting it to be so damn hard I can’t cope with it. Learn from your mistakes, yeah.
They have taught me only that thing that I’m reaching for the stars but I can’t fly. So there’s no way. It feels painful to let go, to settle down your own reality. It seems I’m always rebelling against, well, me. I’m not happy with the person I am. I don’t want to be this pessimistic, this easily hurt, this scared and unwilling to take risks. I think that was the reason I loved the headline up there. I admire persons who can believe it and act it out. I need their fire to light me up. I have nothing more than a fireplace where the fire has run out, there’s just smoke everywhere.
Gosh, I’m happy today.
But is it true? The headline? I believe it depends on your own attitudes towards life. Your own behaviour. I do still believe that our destinies are -to some extent- ours to make. I believe that there are someones who take that statement as a truth. I believe that there are also someones, who don’t. I would like to believe it. At this point of my blueness I don’t. It’s not true, after all, not for me. Not today.
Related post: Getting better