There’s always a fresh suspicion in me about my skill of writing. I feel insecure and sometimes devastated by my wordlessness. And sometimes I feel really surprised when reading something I have written (that I have forgotten already) and think oh my, is this my text, this is good! There used to be a time when I told everybody that I would be writing even if nobody ever was going to read a word I wrote. After that there was a time when I thought that statement was pure nonsense. Isn’t writing a way to communicate with others? A way to try establish something, share thoughts, visions, dreams? And nowadays…. I feel I’m coming back to the first one. I would write no matter what. And still I realize that a text without a reader would be only empty words with no meaning.
Well, my skills? I don’t know if you remember, but I took part in a competition. The results are being announced tomorrow. I haven’t been told I have won, so I guess I haven’t, right? I kinda hoped they would have informed me anyway, somehow, perhaps telling that “thank you for your effort, but no thank you” at least. And there’s nothing. That I call frustrating. I get the feeling that nobody has even seen my text or paid any attention to it.
On the other hand I was happy to hear from some fellow writers that I had done well in another writing assignment. I wrote a short story about four visitors in a spooky-style and it felt totally irritating to me for I felt there could never be a story I wanted it to be. I wrote it because they were waiting for it, for a slight compulsion from them. Yeah. I was, well, I thought it was kinda ok. Not brilliant, but not that bad either. And the feedback they gave was amazing. They loved it, they called it chilling and told me I had managed just brilliantly in keeping the intensity in it. I felt happy and relieved. And amazed. It seems to be like that always: if I feel I have done something gooood, no-one else likes it – if I don’t care so much about my scribbles, they love it. Confusing. Can someone please tell me, why is it?
Still, I do believe I have some skills in it. I wouldn’t be constantly writing if I didn’t.