The true beauty

I have been concerned myself with beauty lately. This first came into my mind when reading one of my all-time favourite books “The Clan of the Cavebear” by Jean M. Untinen-Auel, and after that, the sequel of the serie “The Valley of Horses”. Shortly put the main characer is a girl called Ayla, who has been raised by neanderthal humans (yeah, it is set in time of the last ice age) and she learned that she was ugly, because she was different from them. Later she lives alone in a small valley and meets a man called Jondalar, who is a modern human as Ayla, and he thinks Ayla is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Ayla doesn’t believe it.

Anyways. This was the thing that made me thinking this time. I have had symphaties for Ayla for her differency, for I have imagined to feel a bit as isolated and lonely as her sometimes. The thing she actually is very beautiful and everybody just loves her after the difficulties has been comforting to me. But suddenly I was thinking that it would be very interesting feeling to feel that sometimes. To be really beautiful and interesting and brave. To be admired and loved. And as suddenly I was sad, because I couldn’t ever experience that. You know. I’m just somebody. No-one would have a second look at me. And what do I care anyways, for I’m married for gods sakes. But you know, it would be so amazing to feel that interest one time.

Maybe I just wish that my man would do anything for me, actually anything to get my attention, to prove his love. Yeah, I know. That is not realistic at all, it happens only in movies, right? The first glance that changes things. The feeling of inevitable accounter, the connection, the meaning of everything. Uh. Sounds a bit like Twilight to me. But in dreaming I’m good at.

And there are absolutely beautiful people around. Absolutely stunning and glamorous with no effort at all. Me, on the other hand, wouldn’t be glamorous even after a week of make-up and styling. Maybe it is not the looks, it is the behaviour?

Is the confidence the true beauty of character? Can there be a very beautiful person who acts very insecure and shy and appears to be glamorous to others? Or can there be a average looking person who has amazing self-confidence and appears to be not much to look at to others? Or is it the combination of these two? More likely. If the stunning guy has the confidence – oh boy. I could mention some, but I don’t. But it could turn suddenly more like annoying over-confidence, couldn’t it? With Justin Timberlake’s words “I might sound cocky, but is it really cocky if you know that is true?”.

Um. I started with beauty, right? I know that there are different things people see as beautiful. I know that someone can be truly infatuated with some person and someone else finds this same person only disgusting. So it’s not that. I’m not sure if I can express my thought behind these lines.

Is it popularity I’m talking about? I’m not sure. That wasn’t my first thought, but if I read myself between the lines, that could be the thing anyways. I’m writing a new stuff at the moment and in it I’m trying to process the same issue and the characters are discussing about beauty. They are wondering that if there is some kind of a caste grouping or a class division based on beauty; that only very beautiful ones would get another very beautiful one. But am I just deluding myself again, I might actually be trying to have this popularity-thing processed. I don’t know. I’m so clear today, uhh.

Well, is a true beauty based on popularity or another way around? Has the confidence anything to do with these two? I think they all are kind of linked together. Confidency could help a person to become popular, and when reckoned to be popular, it could affect on the way others see that person also in appearance-wise.  It’s about getting used to something. Have it ever happen to you that at first you didn’t think someone any appealing to you at all, and when you got used to that someone, actually felt that he/she really is beautiful or intriguing?

Sometimes I’m afraid of reaally beautiful people. I have this innate feeling of not being on the same level with them and I tend to wither away from the situations I could have anything to do with them. I feel uneasy, that’s it. Like I’m supposed to act in a way or be something I’m not. It’s so much easier to have a conversation with someone average. Maybe I’m just so easily infatuated by beauty that I can’t keep my thoughts together when I see someone that appeals to me and that could make me feel that uneasiness.

But the true beauty certainly is terrifying. One time I saw the most amazing eagle flying by very close to me and I was afraid of it. I mean, not in a way that he had any plans eating me for breakfast ot anything, but in a way that I was totally mesmerized, overwhelmed by his beauty. I was crying afterwards. It was a very meaningful moment to me. And sometimes I have seen in my dreams some landscapes that have made me go breathless and feel the same fear and astonishment. Is it something that is in us all? Do you have any similar experiences or is it just me? Being all weird again? Could be. That wouldn’t amaze me that much at all.


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