This time I have been thinking about fading. It first came into my mind when listening to music, particularly this song: Poets of the Fall: Everything fades. It goes:
“Everything fades away, for your love I’m sorry, for your pain don’t worry, everything fades away.”
Is it true? Is it possible to maintain the love of your life without it fading away? Can the pain really go away? I started to go trough my own experiences, because they are the only ones I really know through.
At first it seemed to me that the song had it right. I have had crushes on incountable persons and they have all faded away. I have felt deep pain, and it has faded away. I have had certain passions and goals in my life and they have faded away. I have been in love with my husband, and it has – sorry to admit it, but it is true – faded. If not completely away, but it has faded. It started to feel pretty sad to me. Everything fades and there is nothing we can do about it, is there?
There has been times that I have hoped that the pain would fade away faster and more effectively. In those kind of times it doesn’t really feel any comforting if someone tells you that the time heals. Yeah, right. Not this time, I have thought. Not this time, it is not possible nor desired. But it has faded every time. I can bring the pain back if I wish, but it is not the same anymore, it couldn’t be. I have experienced new things, some that have made me consider the previous pain in a different perspective. And oh, I have gained some new painful things to ponder upon. Life isn’t stable, it is constantly changing flow of experiences. In that sense it seems right to say that everything fades. Or maybe the word fade is wrong? Everything relates. The old experiences has to give room to new ones.
Ok, how about the good things? Does the love fade away, too? Does it have to? Well, as I have told, I’m pretty good at having crushes on people. And if I have learned anything from it, it should be that the crushes fade. They get more intense for some time and after they have reached the top feeling they start to wither and fade. They always have. Always. So, I’m not that concerned about my crushes anymore, they come and go. But the more concerning thought is the love for my husband. Have you guys been married to someone for too long? I mean, in a way, that instead of loving madly you have found yourself being only irritated and annoyed by the person. I have. Does it mean my love for him has faded away? If so, does it mean that I can never get the feeling back?
I wrote in my book of poems a long time ago:
After the fire has burned out, it can’t be lighted again. In the same place it could, but not the same flame.
The re-warmed crushes never carried me that far. How about re-warmed love relationship in a marriage? I don’t have answers.
On the other hand there are some things I think really don’t fade at all. For example my love for my family, my mom and bro and of course my dearest of all, daughter. Some friendships I have, haven’t fade. Or, better said, one friendship, but I have had that friend since I was eight. These things haven’t fade. What it is so different in these things? Could it be the knowledge that I can’t really go changing my mother to another one just like that, that I just have to manage with the current one? Maybe it is the mutual appreciation, the unchangeable bond in relatives?
The husband can be changed, though. Maybe not just like that, but it can and there are plenty of people who have done it. Does the possibility to be able to change my mind affect the attitude towards my husband? Just to know that I could makes it more desirable to actually do it? Do I make any sense? Or maybe not more desirable, but it might not give me enough reason to try my hardest to have the relationship going, because if it didn’t work, I could always get a new one.
Is fading away more like an attitude than an actual fate? If you just let the things be as they are, they will fade. If you are willing to work for them, you might be able to maintain the things. Does it work that way? If there’s nothing to do about things. Um. I was going to write then they will fade, but there isn’t much I can do about my mom, is there?
I think I’m going to announce the situation tied. True and false. In a way.
Oh. This is one of my things. I always get the both answers. Can’t take sides. I want to see the whole picture. Sometimes that helps to understand and sometimes it just confuses me and prevents me to make any decisions. That’s me. How about you?