I ended up in ISF Book Club on one day. I found it very interesting and though I haven’t read the book they are recommending I have been doing some thinking of my own based on the questions found on the site. So. Here goes. The first question I started to work on was this: what makes you feel worthy?
I think that there is more than just one type of feeling of worthiness. I mean, I can feel myself worthy being alone, too, it is not dependent to the praise from others; that may actually be the “real” one. I know that I am worthy and loved and I trust in life, but when the others step in to the frame, that trust may be easily broken. When I feel worthy, I get this feeling of being noticed, seen. I realized that is the thing I’m searching in my life, all the time: to be seen. Meaning I’m searching to feel worthy.
I was pondering about what is the difference between self-esteem and conceit, loving one-self too much. The needless over emphasizing of one-self, of own achievements, the continuous search of attention, that’s conceit. But could it be only a sign of a low self-esteem? That need to hear that one is good enough from the others all the time. Or is that another issue still? Over emphasized trust in own charm? What is too much, then? Does that depend on the situation? Does it always? Could there be some way of acting that would work absolutely stunningly in one situation and in the another would feel only repulsive conceit?
What is the good self-esteem? I think it is the trust in the own resources, that you will cope with anything life will bring. The trust in being able to defend yourself and your opinions when needed. The line is so vague and still so clear. There could be only some difference in tone of speech that could change the exactly same expression from friendly conversation to annoying self-conceit. Could that be in the approach of the listener? Always? Maybe not.
Maybe the underestimating the other could be one interpretation of the conceit? If you could keep yourself in the same level with the another, that would be the real self-esteem. The real worth of one-self. But is your experience of yourself dependent to the reflection from the others? Always? So, being in the same level with the another would be good. Understanding and accepting that we all are different and still equally worthy. It won’t be diminishing yourself for the sake of the others. If you think that others are some kind of “super-humans”, or idols in a way of a fake-gods; that won’t be the real worth, the real self-esteem. You can appreciate and have respect for anothers, of course. The respect gives space for the different ways of living as well, different thoughts, different ways of existence. And I’m thinking not only different humans but also different beings; animals and the nature.
In some poem I read some time ago was said that a child doesn’t pretend to be anything else than he/she is. The child is the same size with the world. I wish I could feel the same.
I feel sometimes so misplaced in my life that I can’t seem to find a natural and easy way of deal with them. I should find myself, the most deepest, most profound part of myself; my real worth. The inner knowing could increase the self-esteem, but I dare to claim that most of all it is increased by having the knowledge about the others, understanding them and through that – finding the real self.
We all are worthy. You know. Just believe.