The day I started to blog I was in a very strange mood. I felt like I had to do something, like I was getting close to something significant, like I knew what I was doing. It was a very vague feeling, but a strong one. I’m not sure if it has worked in a way I thought it would. Or actually, I didn’t think of that at all at that time. I just started. I needed to.
In the beginning I had this anxiety that I may not have anything to say. That I should develope my skills and knowledge in various subjects; in current events, in politics, in communities, in life, psychology, arts and so on and on and on. Let me tell you one thing. I haven’t really done any of these things. Does that make me a bad blogger? Most likely it does.
I have decided not to specialize into anything, you know, for me it is so much more interesting to be able to write about anything that seems to grab my attention for the moment I need to write things down. I’m pretty easily charmed about an other subject, a new one, more interesting one. I have written about writing, relationships, dreaming, vampires and nature. And I’m sure there will be more subjects to come. I’d like to think this is more like a public diary of mine. Perhaps not all that intimate that the real one would be. But some thoughts I like to share.
There is another reason for this blog, as well. The hidden one. What I just told you above is absolutely true, but it is not the whole truth. I thought that in this way, there just may be a possibility to be seen. Isn’t that the thing we all want? I have realized lately that to live a meaningful life you need to have people around you. You can live alone, with no doubt, but the meaning and reason for all this mess comes from the others. You need to relate. I mean, I do, anyways. I have had this fear of people in me. Like I don’t belong with them, somehow. I have worked on it and found some deep reasons for it, but it is not that easy to let go, you know. And knowing that what I need the most, are the others, keeps hurting me, time after a time.
Gosh, I sound like some miserable pathetic helpless one. I mean. I have people around me, who wouldn’t, but to realize I need the most the thing I’m the most scared of. That is the hard part. Or nowadays realizing it isn’t, more likely acting out it, is. Isn’t life for making progress? Grow up in a way? And what is it that makes us grow the most? The scary parts. Yeah.
How did I end up in here? I remember writing about being seen, then something took me over. Yeah, that’s me. Straying. So, I write this blog to be seen. I even had some particular person in mind by whom I would most urgently want to be seen. I have dropped that objective of mine afterwards, but it was one of the reasons I started.
I have this dream. If I could touch someones life with mine and make both of them to change, maybe only a tiny bit, it would be enough for me. And then, maybe one day I would look back and say: hey, I have come this far because of all those people. To change my views, my thoughts, my beliefs, my life. That is the reason I blog.