Dreaming of… passion

I’m a pretty good at dreaming. Sometimes it feels like that’s the only thing I’m really good at. I’m even better to dreaming than to facing the reality. So, I decided to establish a new category for it, for dreaming. Here goes.

The first thing that comes into my mind when talking about dreaming is passion. In its all forms, you know. I admire very much people who know what they want and are willing to do almost anything to obtain it. Those, who have this passion in their lives, that carries them further than they would have gotten otherwise. I feel that I lack that kind of passion. I just let the life float and carry me where ever. Afterwards I might be wondering why I ended up somewhere I didn’t expect to end up at all.

My husband told me once that my problem is that I don’t know what I want. He could have been right, partly, you know. Or, at least, the things I want are so distant and huge that there is just no way to get them happening. Is that the same thing? I don’t know how to want things I might actually get. Is that fear? Fear to be happy? Fear to be decieved?

I saw a dream once that I thing somehow enlightened the same thing. In that dream I saw a lion in a showcase and I realized I needed to get that lion. It took all my money but I bought it, because I just needed to have that lion. I was extremely happy when taking it home with a leash. And proud. Finally I had the one thing I wanted! In the dream I woke up the next morning and made a new realization: the lion is a carnivore, dangerous creature that might actually eat me as his breakfast. I was afraid! I knew I had made a huge mistake buying him, because I couldn’t just free him for I live in Finland and there is no lions in Finland, you know. He would have died. And if I kept him, I would die. Damn. I woke up stressed and nervous.

So, be careful what you wish for you might actually get it, right?

But back to passion. Sometimes I tell people that writing is my passion. That I would write no matter what. If nobody was ever going to see one word I wrote, I would still write. I don’t know if I believe in that anymore even myself. I do love words and writing. But passion? I get the feeling that’s oversized expression. And yes, I do dream that maybe one day I would really mean what I keep telling people.

So, I’m dreaming about the passion for achieving The Thing in life.

Another thing about passion is needless to say feelings for someone special. I always have kept thinking that I will experience that one day in my life. One day. I have told that to myself as long as I can remember. What have I actually gained? Not that, anyways. Just an ordinary everyday life of mine that awakes absolutely none passion in me. I’m started to suspect that I may not be able to feel that great feelings at all. That sucks. I’m pretty good at imagining how that would be, and, yes, dreaming about it. That might be my problem, right? Maybe I should dream less and live more? But could someone please tell me how is that done?

Ok, so I’m dreaming about myself having this passion for someone. I’m also dreaming about someone having this passion for me. That someone would love me so much he would do absolutely anything, show it off, you know. Not being unwilling even walk on the street hand in hand because someone would see! That is my life. Sad.

I just watched from my window how three little birds flew by and sat on the branch of the tree. One of them kept chasing other away. After he (with no doubt it was he and not she) had driven the challenger off he flew back to the lady and they sat very close to each other. I could actually “hear” the lady saying: “Oh, darling, you are so strong and brave!” And he responded: “Anything for you, my love.”

Great. Now I’m imagining the birds having conversations. Where will I end up if I keep going?

One thing before I wrap up this time. I don’t know if you remember but I thought some time ago that Edward Cullen was much like what I dreamed about. I kept building the thought and ended up wondering if that strong-willed guy would need me to be as strong-willed as well. The protector would need something to protect, right? If I would be like I have always been; kind, easygoing, dull and always safe on my own, what would I do with Edward anyways? Or better yet, what would he do with me? To achieve strong feelings from another I need to start feeling those strong feelings myself, right?

Dreaming of something I can’t control. Passion can’t be controlled.

But isn’t dreaming always an attempt to go beyond your own boundaries?


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